‘Honour and obedience: and the proper physical feelings,’ he said. ‘To me that is marriage. Nothing else.’
‘But what are the proper physical feelings but love?’ asked Hannele. ‘No,’ he said. ‘A woman wants you to adore her, and be in love with her — and I shan’t. I will not do it again, if I live a monk for the rest of my days. I will neither adore you nor be in love with you.’
‘You won’t get a chance, thank you. And what do you call the proper physical feelings, if you are not in love? I think you want something vile.’
‘If a woman honours me — absolutely from the bottom of her nature honours me — and obeys me because of that, I take it, my desire for her goes very much deeper than if I was in love with her, or if I adored her.’
‘It’s the same thing. If you love, then everything is there — all the lot: your honour and obedience and everything. And if love isn’t there, nothing is there,’ she said.
‘That isn’t true,’ he replied. ‘A woman may love you, she may adore you, but she’ll never honour you nor obey you. The most loving and adoring woman today could any minute start and make a doll of her husband — could start any minute and make a doll of him. And the doll would be her hero: and her hero would be no more than her doll. My wife might have done it. She did do it, in her mind. She had her doll of me right enough. Why, I heard her talk about me to other women. And her doll was a great deal sillier than the one you made. But it’s all the same. If a woman loves you, she’ll make a doll out of you. She’ll never be satisfied till she’s made your doll. And when she’s got your doll, that’s all she wants. And that’s what love means. And so, I won’t be loved. And I won’t love. I won’t have anybody loving me. It is an insult. I feel I’ve been insulted for forty years: by love, and the women who’ve loved me. I won’t be loved. And I won’t love. I’ll be honoured and I’ll be obeyed: or nothing.’
‘Then it’ll most probably be nothing,’ said Hannele sarcastically. ‘For I assure you I’ve nothing but love to offer.’
‘Then you can keep it,’ he said.
D. H. Lawrence, The Captain’s Doll
I have once phrased it differently: a woman won’t rest till she’s got the man sitting on the sofa in front of the TV where she can keep an eye on him; that’s where she wants him; that’s all he is allowed; and then she will complain that he is so dull, always sleeping in front of the TV.